How can I best prepare my son as he goes off to college in a few weeks? He is attending college out of state and I am so nervous for him. Is there anything I can do to encourage an open line of communication even while at school?
I love that you have asked this question, and that this is on your mind. This tells me so much about you as a parent, and the value you place on your relationship with your child.
There is a saying I really like, because it manages to capture attachment theory in a beautifully simple way:
“There are two things we should give our children, one is roots, the other is wings.”
You will have spent years planting and tending to those “roots” in your relationship. Every time you responded to your crying baby, every time you soothed your child when they scraped their knee, every time you listened to your teen when they shared a disappointment or heartache. All of those moments build the pattern of a relationship built on trust, respect, and open communication. A young adult who turns towards you when things feel tricky or when they need support. This is how attachment works. We act as our child’s secure base from which to venture out and explore the world, and we ensure we are available to them as a safe-haven when things feel a little too big.
In the weeks leading up to this transition (which I have no doubt will be as big a transition for you as it will for your son) talk about all the changes that lay ahead, and all the ways you hope things will be able to stay the same. Getting together on holidays, weekend visits, video calls on the phone. Ask him what he thinks he will need from you while he is away and reassure him that you continue to be connected to him, even when you are apart; that you are available to him in all the ways that he might need you. Suggest setting up a standing date. Tell him that you will phone him every Tuesday and Friday morning (or whatever rhythm feels good for you both). Explain that there is no expectation that he will always answer, but if he needs to talk you will be available to him.
I always advise parents to orient their child to the next point of connection, so if you can, before they leave, organize a weekend where you will visit, or when your child will come home. That way you both can cast your eyes forward to when you are next together.
And lastly, build up your own life, around the spaces that feel a little empty initially. Join a new class, arrange to meet with friends, take up a new hobby. You will need to find new rhythms to your week, too.
