While I was still pregnant with my son, I made the decision that I was going to breastfeed no matter how challenging it would be.
I thought I “had it all together.” I even paid for a breastfeeding class to educate myself and my husband. After reviewing all the mommy and baby benefits, the course further confirmed my desire to breastfeed. There was NO stopping me!
After actually living through giving birth and the newborn stage… I now know precisely why parents give up or quit sooner than planned.
My original goal was to breastfeed for as long as I could mentally and emotionally handle it. Once my hormones leveled out and I convinced myself I could be someone’s mother, my goal was six months.
After introducing solids, I decided I could make it to one year.
It has been over 365 days of exclusively pumping to breastfeed my baby, and I couldn’t be more proud of my body and mind.
What I wasn’t anticipating was the attachment I felt to providing him nutrition and the sadness of stopping. It’s almost like “job security,” as weird as that may sound. Somehow it makes me feel less needed in his life. The rational part of me knows this couldn’t be further from the truth. The emotional part of me says, “yes, that makes total sense.”
I don’t need to breastfeed to have a relationship with my son.
What I’ve decided I need to focus on now are all the milestones and changes that are quickly happening. One is figuring out more thoughtful meals and nutrition he needs and likes.
I enjoy the Solid Starts app for meal ideas and how to serve certain foods. Pinterest is also a massive help for recipe ideas.
One pediatric feeding and swallowing therapist whom I highly recommend for tips on feeding is Dawn Winkelmann. She is a wealth of knowledge and has tons of information on baby-led weaning and picky eating.
In addition, she designs the products for ezpz. She legitimately made me feel more confident and capable of transitioning to solids.
I’m looking forward to spending less time connected to my breast pump and more time playing with my son.
It’s lovely to take him to the beach or the park and not think, “oh no, we can’t be gone that long because I have to pump and wash parts and wash bottles.” His sleep is slowly changing, and although he’s taking two naps a day, I know that will change soon. The less he sleeps, the less I feel I can pump or have “me” time.
I’m excited to feel like I have my body back.
This sounds selfish when I say it out loud… but it’s only the truth. For nine months of being pregnant and then breastfeeding for a year, it feels like my body has been entirely devoted to this perfect little human. Although it is completely worth it, it’s also a huge commitment.
It’s funny how much my body has changed over the last two years. You know how it goes… my breasts were bigger during pregnancy, and I gained 60 lbs. After giving birth, I wore my maternity clothing for six months, and none of my regular bras fit me. Now I’m weaning, and I feel completely deflated. I’m trying to increase my weightlifting, but I think I’m skinny fat, if that’s possible, and my boobs feel like balloons half empty. I wouldn’t consider these bad changes by any means. But they are changes. I think we have to give ourselves grace and time to feel. Not to mention, I plan on doing this all over again to bring our family another sweet addition someday soon.
For some reason, I thought to myself, this would get easier.
In some ways, it did because I have been able to slowly lessen the number of pump sessions per day. But the truth is, I don’t think motherhood gets easier, and it just becomes something different you focus on.
Being a mom is hard. Balancing all of our roles and wearing all hats is hard. We can ask for help when we need it. But most of the time, we resist asking because we’d hate to feel like a failure or like we could have done more.
I wake up every day to be the best parent I possibly can be and raise my child in a loved home.
I’ve learned that even on the worst and most challenging of days, after I lay my son down to sleep, I can ask myself, “did he feel loved?” There has never been a day of his life that I haven’t given him all the love I have to offer. That is what gives me peace every day.
Although our breastfeeding journey together is ending, I know that it was special, and I reached my goal.
