My son is an overachiever and very good at almost everything he does. He recently took 2nd place in a track competition and is berating himself for “not being the winner” even though he only just joined the team this year. It seems like nothing I say about how amazing he is resonates with him, he just keeps beating himself up about it. What can I do to help him with the reality that not winning top prize is okay?
We want to avoid children developing perfectionist tendencies.
Perfectionists tend to value the outcomes of their performance over the effort or enjoyment that they put into them. Perfectionism can be associated with anxiety around not being the best, not coming first, or even making mistakes. Perfectionists can experience low frustration tolerance, sensitivity to criticism, and high anxiety surrounding failure.
When it comes to supporting a child who is developing perfectionist tendencies, we need to be mindful of the language we use.
For example you say he “is berating himself for not being the winner, even though he only joined the team this year.” Whilst I know your statement comes from a good place, this type of comment feeds into the idea that winning is the reason for participating, and that, in time, he should expect to come first. You may inadvertently be conveying messages about your expectations for your son. Instead of focusing on the “winning” or “losing,” we instead want to focus on the effort, the dedication, the commitment. Rather than telling your child how “amazing he is,” celebrate the process, the time spent in training, the progress noted over the last year. This helps children to develop a “growth mindset” which supports them to understand that skills and abilities are not something fixed, but rather something that can be worked on and developed.
I would also encourage you to diversify your son’s interests.
Could he shift his focus from activities that measure performance and instead spend time volunteering, getting outside into nature, or engaging in The Arts. Avoid putting pressure on your son. Be mindful of your expectations for him, and model for him your own mistakes. Share stories of times in your life when you found something really challenging, or failed at something important to you. Talk about the characteristics in you that enabled you to overcome your struggles and keep persevering. Celebrate those qualities in yourself and in your child.
