My kids are in elementary school and I’ve just been offered a very big job in a new location where we will have to move. It’s a huge change for my whole family because we have lived in the same place, very close to family for their whole lives. The shift will not only be to a place where we don’t know anyone, but also, I’ll be taking on a larger role that will involve more time away from home. How can I help prepare my kids for this major transition?
Change is stressful for children, and you have thoughtfully highlighted the ways in which this will involve multiple losses for your children.
Loss of friendships, loss of community, loss of closeness with extended family members, and loss of time with you. I think it is really helpful to hold these things in mind when thinking about this huge transition that your family is about to undertake.
My family and I moved overseas (across continents) when my son was one year old.
We moved internationally again when he was four, so I have lived experience of everything that lies ahead for you. You ask how you can prepare your children for this transition, and I think that is a really important question, but one that is arguably more important is “how do I support them to adjust to this transition after we move?” because, depending on your children’s temperaments, this may take a considerable amount of time.
Let’s start with preparation.
Part of that will be acknowledging the losses, and holding space for your children’s feelings about that. When you tell them your news, present it as a piece of information that they may have lots of mixed feelings about – yes there are elements of this move that may feel really exciting, but there are many pieces that may bring up sadness, anxiety, anger, and even grief. Allow your children to feel all of their feelings about this decision that has been made for them, and find ways to hold space for their experience. Discuss with them ways that they want to say goodbye to friends and family (do they want to plan a party? Make special cards?) and ways that they want to remember their special places from their current home. Can they take photos of their bedroom, home and school to include in a special memory book, for example?
Support your children to understand when this is happening.
This will look different depending on their age, but give them time to process the timescale of the move. Reassure them about the continuity of relationships. Maybe they will still FaceTime family every week, perhaps close relatives could book a trip to visit them in the coming months, perhaps you could book a trip to visit family in their old hometown so they know that, even though they don’t live there anymore, they will always be able to come back.
Reassure your child about all the ways that things will stay the same.
That might be hard to do right now but perhaps a family pet is going with you, perhaps you will still always spend weekends together, they will still go to school (even though it will be a different school), they might still take swimming lessons on the weekends.
Allow your children time (more time than you might think), to adjust to all of this.
Give them grace in the coming months and recognize that changes in behavior, or regressions that you may notice, are likely due to the stress involved in such a big (and exciting) transition. It’s not an easy decision choosing to uproot a young family, but as someone who did it, I don’t regret the decision that we made.
Wishing you so much luck with this adventure.
