We have very strict boundaries for our children regarding what they watch and how much technology time they consume, but we have recently learned that they are watching shows we don’t approve of when at some of their friend’s homes. How do we handle this situation?
This is a tricky one to answer without being aware of how old your children are, or why you don’t approve of what they are viewing.
In a younger child we might approach this by having a conversation with the parents prior to leaving our child in their care. Get clear on what our values are and what is important to us with regards screen time to see whether an agreement can be reached. Our values may not align with theirs and, if they don’t, decisions can be made about whether this is a “good fit” for unsupervised playdates for our child.
In older teens, this will look different. We want to give our teens opportunities to be autonomous; to think critically about situations, seek their own solutions, and navigate them with independence. We cannot always be out in the world with our teens, so we want to equip them with skills that support them to take care of themselves in tricky situations. This might be in relation to all sorts of issues, including screen time (as you describe) but also antisocial behavior, or substance use.
I would use this as an opportunity to communicate openly with your child about what happened, how they felt, and what they could have said or done if they were uncomfortable in the situation. We might acknowledge that their personal value system might be different than ours and discuss when it is appropriate for your child to form their own opinions, and when family rules are non-negotiable even outside the family home. Perhaps we might talk about behavioral autonomy and the importance of making decisions without just copying the behavior or decision making of others.
Ultimately, this is a learning opportunity and a chance for your child to develop their skills around managing themselves when they are away from your rules and guidance. If this can be navigated in a way that is mutually respectful and avoids too much conflict between you and your child, then you may increase the likelihood of your child turning to you in the future when they are faced with the challenges of rebellious peers. Independence is a developmental milestone. It is also a shift for parents from how they are perhaps used to taking care of their children. So be gentle on your child, and on yourselves.
Hope this helps.
