I have 2 boys, ages 5 and 7. My youngest is more shy and emotional, and my 7-year-old is very outgoing. Lately, my oldest son has been making fun of his brother whenever he has friends around. My youngest adores his brother and looks up to him, so he gets really sad when he’s getting picked on or told he’s “annoying.” My family says this is “classic sibling rivalry,” but I don’t like the dynamic. What can I do to stop this behavior on my older son’s part and to help my youngest cope with his feelings?
Sibling rivalry is very common, as are personality clashes between siblings. It might be helpful to normalize this for both of your children in order to depersonalize it for them.
Try to identify what you think is the teachable moment here in a way that avoids you being the judge and juror. At a time when you are feeling connected to your older child, when you are both calm and don’t have an audience, raise this dynamic that you have noticed with your older child. Explain that you have noticed that, when he has friends over, he tends to make fun of and exclude his younger brother. Encourage your older child to get curious (free from judgment) about why he thinks this might be happening and to reflect on how he thinks his younger sibling likely feels as a result. These types of conversations are a wonderful way of developing your child’s emotional intelligence.
Ask questions like:
What happened right before you said that to your brother?
What do you think you needed at that moment?
What did you hope would happen?
What actually happened?
Do you think it was helpful to call your brother names?
What could you have done instead?
Next time this happens, what might you do differently?
You want these conversations to feel non-judgmental. If your older child is unwilling or unable to talk about it in such a direct way, use storytelling. That might sound like, “I remember when I was seven. I used to love having my friends over to play. You know what I didn’t like though… when my kid sister would try to join in.” See what comes out of the conversation when you approach it in a way that prevents your child from tipping into shame.
With regard to your younger child’s reaction, his upset at being excluded is entirely understandable and warrants compassion and empathy. I think I would cry, too, if someone I looked up to treated me that way, and I am a grown adult. Help your youngest to understand why this is happening and depersonalize it for him. It’s really not about him at all, and likely it’s about your older child wanting to protect his playdate with his peer.
It is, therefore, important to nurture a repair between the siblings following one of these incidents. That doesn’t mean forcing apologies, but more, encouraging your older child to come up with a way that he can make things right with his little brother.
“What can you think of that would make things better now?”
