Not to be boastful, but my daughter seems to enjoy being around me much more than her dad, and it’s making him a bit resentful. Why do kids gravitate towards one parent over the other, and how can I help improve the relationship between her and her dad?
Through social media, I once polled 1800 people, and 89% of them reported that their child protests when one parent leaves the room. 80% of the people polled reported that their child protests when they are expected to transition from their “preferred” parent to their “non-preferred parent.” I understand why this is difficult for your daughter’s dad, and I want to reassure you both that this is actually really common and very normal.
Children hierarchically organize their significant others from whom they prefer to seek attachment. Research suggests that, even if a child enjoys a secure attachment to both parents when distressed, they will more often seek out the primary caregiver (that is, the parent who engages in the most caregiving responsibilities). When content, young children don’t tend to show this preference. This suggests that there is more likely to be a preference for the primary attachment figure when their attachment system is activated (i.e., when they are tired, unwell, upset, or dysregulated). At these times, little ones often prefer the caregiver who has been more physically available to them and who has usually been responsible for their care. It isn’t personal; little people can just get used to a particular parent carrying out a specific role in their life.
“Favoritism” can be linked to the amount of time a child spends with each parent. It can be helpful to set aside time each day to fill up your child’s emotional cup. Even fifteen minutes a day of your undivided attention spent engaging in child-led play can make a great difference to your relationship with your child. It can also be helpful to create opportunities when the “preferred parent” isn’t available to nurture your relationship with your child. Discuss what caregiving roles you can take responsibility for. Ensure discipline is split evenly between parents, that both of you spend time engaging in nurturing activities with your child, and are confident in enforcing boundaries and offering teaching moments. It is important to communicate to your child that your love is not conditional on their behavior; that you are emotionally available to your child regardless of their parental preferences.
