I feel like a bad mom. I was never a “natural” mother type. Everyone was shocked when I told them I was pregnant, and I was always offended. But now that I have a 4-month-old son of my own I’m starting to believe it is true. My son cries every afternoon for hours, and nothing I do seems to comfort him. I have tried feeding him, holding him, going for walks outside, going for drives and playing and he still cries. Am I doing something wrong? How do I help him through this period of time?
I have been where you are. My son cried, inconsolably for months, and it was the hardest experience I have had to navigate as a parent. Having a baby who cries frequently is a deeply distressing and dysregulating experience. First, I would recommend ruling out any potential underlying medical cause by speaking to your child’s physician. How is weight gain, are there any indicators of allergies, what is your baby’s nappy output like? Any indication of reflux? If you are breastfeeding, I would recommend involving a lactation consultant to rule out any feeding issues asking them to consider things like positioning on the breast, milk transfer, tongue tie etc.
Once all of the above has been ruled out I want you to know that many babies engage in “developmental crying.”
And, the reason why I want you to know this is because your child crying, and your inability to consistently soothe your baby right now, is not a reflection on you as a mother. Pamela Douglas wrote a book called “The Discontented Little Baby Book,” and she explains that babies often cry due to immaturities in their nervous system. It’s almost like babies can get stuck in these “crying loops” where they aren’t crying because they have a need that isn’t being met (you mention trying feeing him, holding him etc). but instead, they are crying because they haven’t quite mastered how to stop crying. They need a lot of support to ultimately be soothed.
Some of my favorite go-to’s for developmental crying include:
- Holding and rocking your baby
- Feeding your baby (in arms with a bottle or breast)
- Babywearing
- Singing to baby
- Getting outside with baby
- Giving baby to someone else to enable you to get some respite.
You are doing the right thing by responding to your baby, even at the times when it feels as though you aren’t helping, believe me, you are. Even when we cannot soothe our babies, they have the experience of not having to go through their distress alone. They are crying in the arms of someone who loves them. It is also true that, the more worked up a baby gets, the more difficult it can be to soothe them, so responding to your baby’s cues is never the wrong thing to do.
These early months can be so challenging. I hope you feel as though you have support, and if not, I encourage you to seek support through your healthcare providers.
