As soon as I had those three consecutive positive pregnancy tests, I was determined to breastfeed my baby.

I was doing all the right things (so I thought) while I was pregnant. I was nesting, decorating the nursery, checking off all the registry items, and even taking a breastfeeding course. Well, let me tell you, I had no idea what I was in for. I no longer believe the words “breastfeeding is natural”. Regardless of my determination, it was far from natural.

Motherhood has been the most rewarding and life changing experience I have ever had, and I love my son more than anything in this world. I’d do anything for him, including strap myself to this breast pump 5-6 times a day to feed him.

I will start by saying, I do not regret my decision and sacrifice. However, I will openly admit, exclusively pumping is not as easy or glamorous as some may portray it to be. I was induced at 37 weeks gestation for hypertension and did not develop preeclampsia until two days after delivering my son.

I gave birth during the surge of “Omicron” and it was voiced by the nurses caring for me that they were short staffed and over worked. With that being said, the breastfeeding class I thought was going to prepare me, had actually done absolutely nothing for me. After being in labor for two days, mentally and physically exhausted, my whole body was in pain. Not to mention, now I felt like a terrible new mother who did not know how to assist her baby in sucking properly.

My amazing, sweet little boy was lying next to me swaddled peacefully in the bassinet weighing in at 5 lbs 8 oz. I continued to voice my concerns that he was not getting enough nutrition because he wasn’t latching well and would fall asleep continuously while feeding.

Once the lactation consultant arrived in my hospital room, she quickly assessed my nipples and shared with me that I have “short nipples”, which I had never considered before and that I would need to use this gadget called a “nipple shield”.

If you aren’t familiar with a nipple shield, it is typically clear, and very soft plastic. It is used to help pull your nipple through the plastic so that it protrudes more, making it easier for baby to latch. I must have ordered at least fifteen nipple shields because I kept losing them in the couch. Or they would stop sticking to my skin because I was using coconut oil for lubricant. I now understand as a friend recently explained to me, the nipple shield is more of training wheels, but not meant for long-term use.

With the help of the lactation consultant and my husband cheering me on, my son would sometimes latch using the nipple shield, and we also supplemented with formula for the first three days of his life.

After being discharged from the hospital I had an enormous amount of anxiety, fear, depression, intrusive thoughts, and ultimately felt like I was failing at motherhood within the first week. After seeking out the help of the lactation consultant outpatient, the nurse assessed my son and I. She quickly voiced her opinion that with a little more assistance in the hospital we probably would have been successful without the use of a nipple shield

The first time the lactation consultant propped him up on a pillow and tilted his head perfectly, while helping me hold his head, he FINALLY DID IT! He was sucking milk and I was not experiencing nipple pain. I cried, hysterically, for about two minutes and she made me yell “I am a breastfeeding mama!” I will forever remember that moment.

When we got home and the lactation consultant was not with me, I was unable to replicate her magic touch. I was not anticipating the crying, kicking, screaming that I experienced from my baby. He was frustrated, I was frustrated, he was hungry, I was exhausted, and the cycle continued.

I ultimately resorted back to using the nipple shield to nurse him. Each time my son would latch he would not pull enough milk off either breast. Therefore, I was nursing him for about twenty minutes then immediately putting my breast pump on because I wanted to make sure I built up my supply. It felt like my entire day was consumed with cleaning bottles, plugging into the wall to pump, and washing pump parts.

One day, my husband walked into the nursery where I was attempting to breastfeed my son using the nipple shield. The shield kept falling off my breast. Both of us were crying and my husband slowly and gently sat down next to me and said “Babe, I think it’s okay to consider just pumping from now on”.

I was immediately angry that he would suggest that I “give up” on something I had tried so hard to do. Within an hour I slowly came around to realizing a few important things. My husband is the biggest support system I have but he was watching my mental health deteriorate and my anxiety worsen. He knew I was trying my best and that I was exhausted. He also knew that my biggest goal was to breastfeed my son. The most freeing thing he has ever said to me was: “You are still breastfeeding even if the pump is doing the work instead of Ryan.”

This was also happening during the formula shortage earlier this year. With all things considered, I decided exclusively pumping was my path.

I will never tell any mom that exclusively pumping is fun, easy, or ideal. I now create funny reels and content about pumping, nipple lube, and breastfeeding. But six months ago there was nothing fun or humorous about it.

What I would tell every mom is however you decide to feed your child is the best no matter what someone else may think. My personal journey and decision was to pump, which I still do, and he is now nine months old. I pump five times a day every day.

Exclusively pumping requires dedication, patience, and planning. But what doesn’t require those three things in motherhood?

This spotlight article was written by Jacquie Ciccone. To see more of Jacquie’s content, check out her Instagram page (@pumpedupmama)