” Well, it finally happened – my 8-year-old daughter hit her bully. My daughter is a little overweight. It’s not medically concerning, our doctor has told us that it’s just early signs of puberty, but one girl in her class has been making fun of her and pulling other kids in on it as well. We have tried to re-enforce with her that her body is just changing and to try to ignore her classmates when they make fun of her. But something finally agitated her so bad that she hit the ring leader in the face during recess. Of course, I feel that the teacher and school staff should be doing more to help eliminate the situation. As a mom, I’m torn between wanting to deliver a consequence for the hitting and also being supportive of my daughter who is hurting inside.
What do you suggest I do to keep this from happening again?”
First of all, I am so sorry to hear that your daughter has been experiencing bullying.
I think that what your daughter absolutely needs right now is to understand that there are adults around her who are supporting her whilst she goes through something so painful. She needs to experience you being an ally, and not complicit with the bullying.
Where to begin? Talk to your daughter.
Your primary goal here is to keep the lines of communication open so that your daughter feels safe coming to you with what she is experiencing. Talk to her about everything that she has been going through. Allow her to open up to you without fear of consequence. I would almost guarantee that your daughter already knows that hitting wasn’t the best way to handle the situation (she has never done it before now). However, when someone experiences bullying, that can be incredibly dysregulating. It is entirely possible that she didn’t feel safe (emotionally or physically) in the situation and so her nervous system went into fight or flight. When in this state, individuals can become reactive and hit out without thinking. Drop a flag- mention “Hitting is never okay” but don’t dwell on this piece. The hitting was a consequence of her experience, and she needs help dealing with the bullying. That is what is at the very root of all of this.
I would suggest speaking with the teachers about how school are tackling the bullying, for example can they increase supervision of the children involved?
Bullying tends to take place in unsupervised settings. I would problem solve with your daughter alternative ways of coping with nasty and hurtful behavior from peers. Create a list of phrases she can use if someone says something mean, and practice using them. Explain to your daughter that the only thing she can control in this situation is her response, and her response has the ability to diffuse the situation, or to escalate it. Powerful phrases to use towards bullies include:
“I am just going to ignore that comment.”
“Your opinion means nothing to me!”
“I’m not interested in what you have to say!”
And simply walk away.
There may also be some work to do here around positive body image and self-esteem.
You can find a related blog post on that topic here:
Ask a Doc: How can I help my child maintain a positive body image without harming her self-esteem?
