My husband and I are on completely opposite ends of the spectrum about when we should buy things for our kids. I grew up in a home where toys and activities were special things reserved for holidays and birthdays. My husband has no qualms with buying the kids anything they ask for, any time. What kind of process or tips can you provide for parents who don’t see eye to eye on when to give gifts to their own kids?
Let me start by saying that the dynamics between couples technically isn’t my area of expertise. However, I am happy to share my thoughts.
You mention the specifics around toys and gift buying, but I have parents reach out to me all the time because they are struggling to see eye to eye on any number of issues around raising children. This is a really common issue in families. Often each parent comes into parenting with pre-established beliefs about children, childhood, and parenting. More often than not, these beliefs come from their own childhood, and typically couples don’t discuss their parenting values until they have children. Talk with your husband about your childhoods, your lived experiences, your family history. This can help you not only understand each other, but also to understand yourselves.
The best thing to do is communicate with your husband.
Wait until a time when connection is high, and conflict is low, and collaborate on how a mutually satisfactory agreement can be reached. Try to really listen to what they have to say instead of thinking about how you will defend your position and respond. Reflect back what you hear. Is there any part of what they are saying that you can agree on?
Next state your position, raise your concerns, and share your values.
It is likely that this is not something that you will be able to resolve with one conversation, but rather you will both need to keep coming back to this time and time again.
If you are finding that there are issues that you cannot work through alone, then it might be worth considering seeking some support. Working with a parent coach, a parenting mentor, or a couple’s therapist can be a valuable investment in your family.
